Nope, not new to dreaming, according to my mom, I seem to go through most of the day doing just that; but I digress. I’m referring to my dream last night and while it was not my first kind of this nature it all seemed so real.

Last night I dreamed that I was back to my old self so to speak. What was really weird about it was that at no time did I have any compunction of my current situation – A C3 Quadriplegic paralyzed from the neck down and dependent on a ventilator for my breathing! I suspect that most people with a spinal cord injury have had similar experiences, but this was perhaps my first that I can recollect with such vivid detail. Needless to say, it would be superfluous indeed to say that I was a disappointed man when I was awoken at 6:00am by my attendant telling me good morning while deftly following up with the question of “shall I start your stretching exercise now?” while the melodic sound of my ventilator began to fade into my conscious hearing.

It did not take me long to be sure it was just another dream, which was reinforced rather quickly as I found myself dangling from my hoyer lift as I was transferred from the bed to my wheelchair. I could hear a voice practically taunting in my head, saying over and over, “your back in the real world now mate!” If I’m being really truthful here I would have to confess I was not in the best of moods at this point and perhaps this is why I feel almost compelled to submit this experience to paper as some weird sort of therapy, gosh I have gone all “Oprah” here!

As I sit here now writing this entry, I’m wondering if I am truly at the stage of acceptance and awareness of my current situation? I mean the thing is; I don’t consider myself to be under any illusion and I would seriously like to think I’m fully cognisant of the situation and all it consequences that from here on in, I just another quadriplegic who must come to terms with the fact that life will no longer be what it used to be. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean that in a bad way but for clarity – All that stuff I used to enjoy such as snowboarding, mountain biking or more succinctly, activities such as breathing, eating on my own or the simply task of getting out of bed and “wiping the sleep out of my eyes” are task I now depend on other to perform for me.

I wonder, bear with me I’m typing this “in the raw” – as I’m thinking it, I writing it, trouble is my thinking capacity is slightly quicker that than this speech software can cope with. I used to go to a support group, and one of the things I quite never understood, was this girl who was a paraplegic and apart from being very attractive, she often gave me the impression that she was quite happy and accepting of her accident and that in fact, she thinks it has made her a better person! Hmmmm…… ??? I’m sorry on this one, perhaps this too will come, but I am nowhere in the vicinity, of reaching that juncture! I would like to know the secret to that one, and I know she was not alone as I often read and see on television people with spinal cord injuries whom claim similar experiences. I’m just curious as to what was their life prior to injury? I am wrong here, or just don’t get it?

Gosh, who would have though something as trivial as a dream could evoke such though! Well I guess it’s all part of life’s experience in a wired way, but hey that just my experience! Tell me what you think?

Well it’s a few weeks in the new academic semester, and it feels already like I never really had a summer recess.   On the other hand, I have met some nice and cool people and my teaching load is “slightly” lighter then last year as I’m only teaching two classes this term and three next term.  This is a really good outcome for me as it means I can concentrate far more on my research activities.

Yesterday my colleagues and I made a presentation to GE Medical about the status of our research and to be quite honest, we pretty much “bluffed” our way through the presentation, which I have no doubts they were able to see right through, but for some reason the feed back this morning I received today was good, which means our funding is thus assured!

I plan on having a great weekend as my brother arrived from New York yesterday to spend a few days with me here, well things are not always what they appear as it turns out he really came to visit the London office of Salomon Smith Barney here in London and while I’m on the topic, I’m still trying to understand what exactly he does and why he get paid so much more than I do as a fixed income trader.  After all, I struggled through to the level of PhD, and I don’t get any way near what his salary is! I’m telling you now; life is just not fair!  Well don’t get me wrong, I do love what I do.

Well now we are off to hit the West End of London for a bit to eat so I guess I should get off this dam machine and wish you all a great weekend!


Later

Yes, Yes, Yes… I know, I did promise my parents that I would not do any “surfing” while on vacation, but heck it’s very difficult not to take a peek at my emails irrespective of how much of a good time I’m having; besides I did pack my laptop, so I might as well use it! – Oh and yeah, I’m having a great time here in Chicago, slightly scattered clouds, but it has been a change from my usual London weather.

For my rather small gathering of readers on this blog, I should just like to let you all know, I’m still around, well not really as I’m on vacation until September; but I have not gone away, a few more days here in Chicago, then it’s off to do some travelling around, France and Germany!  I hope your vacation is going well!

OK, for about two days now we have had the “pleasure” of spending time with a management consultant firm that is supposed to help us in terms our focus and productivity.  Well I have to say, for the first part of yesterday I found myself struggling just to stay awake let alone trying to decipher that ridiculously annoying “consultant speak!”

I have heard from several sources that this is norm as far as consultants go, and to be honest I pretty much thought it was an old wives tale but “partie deux” did not disappoint!  To give you an example of the nonsense, the guy today kept referring to ridiculous acronyms such as: TOTB (think outside the box) and DM (daily milestone).  Now it is not like these phrases are difficult to comprehend or pronounce for that matter, which begs the question just why the heck do they have to come up with such silly acronym’s
in the first place!

Perhaps I’m overacting here, but I’m a scientist (well I would like to think so!) and really have no time for such time wasting, after all, for all of us in the team our work is research base, and it’s bad enough when your original hypothesis turns out to be incorrect without some fresh out of business school graduate putting on the additional pressure of requiring me to learn a new language just to be productive, give me a break here!

I don’t want to give the impression that I’m annoyed or anything, actually I’m more amused by such daftness.  On the other hand, I might try to get a job doing this stuff as I’m told they get paid pretty well, and I could come up with a few “catch” phrases myself! 

Plain English please!

 This evening I was confounded by the fact that a charity that purports to support Palestinian children made us aware of their presence, with their request for money.

Normally my personal care attendant (PCA) Rebecca just chases them away, but I was intrigued with this particular charity and dispensing with my normal “modus operandi” on issues as such and against my better judgment I invited them in to explain what they do, and more importantly how the money is spend.

Well, the guy proceeded to explain to me, and I’m being very generous here in my use of the term “explain!”  This guy had the audacity to tell me and I quote: A donation here will help support children in Palestine whom are victims of Israel’s brutality and State sanctioned violence against innocent!”  For a moment to borrow a phrase from former Sectary of State Colin Powell – “I thought I was going to have an aneurysm!” I’m still shaking my head at the mere recollection with the solace that can now be found through my laughter at such nonsense.

I honestly can’t believe that people could honestly believe that the State of Israel actually goes out of its way to try cause harm to innocent civilians.  Believe me, I am under no illusion that actions that Israel take leads to innocents civilians being harmed or killed in their defence of the state.  What I find totally repugnant is the belief that somehow Palestinians are victims of Israel with intent, while unabashedly overlooking the striking fact that Muslims on Muslim death maiming and destruction accounts for the majority of these incidents.

With the risk of sounding superfluous, you can be assured that I did not give once penny away, and while the notion of trying to understand where this guy was coming from philosophically was an interesting proposition, I figure it was not worth the energy, to even contemplate entering into a discussion.  I mean, I know I’m Jewish and have a predilection to defend and support Israel, I am not however totally oblivious to common sense and facts.

Guten Tag!

Nice of you to stop by my little corner of the world wide web! I hope all is well in your neck of the woods. I am unable to be with you in person, but fear not my friend – feel free to leave me a message or ask any questions!

Regards,

M. Zimmermann a.k.a. “The Greatest!”

I was thinking about this entry for some time and firstly would like to pay my respect to those that lost family members, loved ones or friends, not forgetting those injured in this terrorist incident.

This is the first time I have actually given my personal account on what I witnessed that day.  I can only describe it as the unleashing of evil venom that was released with recklessness and indifference unparalleled to anything ever seen in London’s history.

That day I was attending a two-day conference at the British Medical Association (BMA) as part of the graduate research group I’m a member of.  Most of us were settled in comfortably in the conference room, when I heard what could only be described a loud bang at around 9:40 am or so.  None of inside the conference room was aware that the sound we just heard was part of a coordinated attack on London, in fact most of us were unaware of other attacks taking place at this time. After twenty minutes or so we were informed that an “accident” involving a bus had taken place just a little way from us at Tavistock Square.  There were several doctors attending this conference as well as other conferences going on in the building, and the conference was suspended, so that those of medical training were able to lend assistance.

Those of us delegates remaining made our way to the lobby to have coffee, and my personal care attendant and I decided to go to the lobby as well were there was a television on, and news was spreading of other “incidents” taking place.  I must confess I was at this juncture fairly sure in my mind that we were under attack from terrorist upon hearing the news of these other so called “incidents” at other tube stations.  I have to confess I was somewhat worried at this time as the news coming in seemed to be beating around the bush and everyone else in the lobby was full of speculation.  I was fairly certain that the conference was clearly not going to continue as we decided to leave.

It was not until we got out on the street making our way to my van that I saw the horror of what was unfolding with my very eyes.  I was struck by the amount of people that actually were getting involved to lend assistance, but nothing had prepared me for the carnage I saw.  A year later, and I can still see the blood and human debris slatted on the wall.  It was literally nauseating.  We were really unable to going nowhere and ended up heading back into the BMA building as by this time the road was blocked off.  I ended up spending the whole afternoon there and had to make alternative arrangements as my van was behind the police cordon.

As a Jew with relatives in Israel, I was not unfamiliar with this tactic of suicide bombers; but I simply cannot convey the feeling one gets when confronted with such acts of violence first hand.  I had the privilege of meeting some of the families that were affected by this senseless act of terrorism on Friday, at a memorial service here in London on the day of its one-year anniversary, and was deeply struck by the sense of support, that people gave to each other. No matter what the grievance, I will never understand such acts of terrorisms. it leaves me shaking my head as I write this entry that people could allow themselves to build up such hate, that they have no fear in blowing themselves up and innocent people with such callous disregard for human life.

Attached Picture Note:  Among those who laid flowers to commemorate last year's attacks was George Psaradakis, the driver of the number 30 bus that was bombed in Tavistock Square.

Sometimes it pays to listen to your parents, ok most of the times!  I decided in my “wisdom” to support England in the world cup football, going against my dad (German American) and to the horror of my mom (she was supporting team USA).  Well needless to say, a couple of drinks and a hangover later, my first pick has just fizzled out of the championship.

Much too my horror on Saturday, I found a nice pub in London to watch the game with some friends, and I was so utterly disappointed with the performance of the British team. I mean between David Beckham’s injury Owen pulling a “sickie”, ok his was real, and leftover team doing what could only be described as “going through the motions” We lost to Portugal on a Penalty shootout!  Well all I can say is that it’s now down to Germany tomorrow in the match against Italy – this time I will support the Germans!  Honestly! At least the weather here is just great!

I was thinking about a recent incident that happened and while it was not the first time such an occasion had presented itself, it did get me wondering on the more substantive point of what leads up to such a situation. I suppose it would be of use if I actually got to the point and described what this current pre occupation is, so without further ado, here’s the situation.

While having a tea break (yup, we still have them in Britain!) last week with some of my work colleagues, one of them asked me how exactly do I mange to cope with my particular circumstances regarding my spinal cord injury. Before getting a chance to actually respond on this, he then went on to suggest that he did not think he would be able to cope had he been in a similar circumstance.

I find myself often struck by such sentiment. The thing is, and I think I should preface my comments by saying that I can’t and don’t attempt to speak for all other people with spinal cord injuries, but I suspect after the initial incident, the choice laid out before you is very clear. Accept the situation and move on, or give up. For me at least it was that simple; however that is not to say that one has a transition of smooth sailing going forward. As with life in general, there is no such thing as an easy ride. A good friend of mine who has a similar injury as mine has a little plaque on the back his wheelchair that reads – “shit happens!” This pretty much sums up my feeling on this thing.

Getting back to the subject at hand, I explained to my colleague, that I suspected had he been faced with the same situation as myself, he would probably do the same thing. I must confess I’m personally uncomfortable with the “hero” or “inspiration” stuff, and don’t like to be trust into such a situation.

Often times I find myself pondering the notion of would things have been that much more different had I not had my accident, and to be honest, I’m not entirely sure. I’m not one of these people that will tell you that their life has changed for the better, or that they think they are better people as a result of the injury; quite frankly speaking I just don’t buy that, and on that very narrow point I know people whom will happily tell you as much.

As my sister has told me on several occasions, I was always a nerd, so my success education wise, was nothing new. Personally I don’t think I’m a nerd either just to be clear! I do however get the point and would concur that in essence, I’m probably where I am irrespective of my injury and not as a result of it. For me solace can be found in the fact that technology and family support provides a great atmosphere for making my life just fine thanks. Well that’s me rambling!

Well, it’s been a pretty good day here, weather is cooperating fine, although today was perhaps not the best, but hey, it did not rain once!  Gosh, I must really be living here in London to long as I am becoming a proper “Brit”- always talking about the weather, but I digress. 

Anyway, this afternoon I decided to catch a bit of the World cup with some friends at a local pub not far from me to watch the US vs. Italy game, although I’m an American, this time around I have decided to support team Britain, anyway, we found a nice little pub, well it was more a bar, oh details, details, details.  After finding a nice quite corner were for once I was not going to be an obstruction to the bar staff, we started preparations for a pretty good meal.  I should explain about the meal thing, as it’s a big achievement for me. 

Since breaking my neck some 6 years ago, I’m pretty reliant on my attendant to “act as my arms” so to speak, and I have since then never been quite keen on eating in public, as I really have not got used to the stares when people see a grown man like myself being fed.  Anyway, this marks my 3rd time out in public eating, and I have to say, for once I really did not give a shit about the stares, this place has the best burgers this side of the Atlantic, and I was not going to pass this opportunity up!

While tucking in to my massive burger, this little kid, about 12 or so came up to me and asked,  “Did you used to be superman?”  Talk about feeling flabbergasted!  I mean I have had similar situations like this before, but this one was funny, I mean me – superman! Her mother was far more embarrassed then me, and ushered her back to their table, I remarked to her mom (well, I’m guessing it was her mom) “its no problem!”  After all I figure it’s much better explaining to the kid, than leaving her guessing.  So I tried to explain that nope, I was not super man, but I did have a similar injury, anyway,  I think she did not believe me that I had no feeling and insisted on going for a pinch, and when she did, I let out a loud scream!  She jumped and started to cry, which I assured you was not my intent, I was just trying to be funny!

Anyway, it took a little while until she was calmed down, and she just cam back with like a million questions.  Gosh kids can be so inquisitive!  I had to explain how my wheelchair works and my ventilator, well, I think she is going to be a neurosurgeon now after all those questions.  In any event the whole experience left me with a nice little grin on my face all afternoon, and the US Italy game was a drawn- 1 all!  Go US (with a little help from Italy in an “own” goal!)

Yeah, I have well and truly become engrossed in the world cup!  I can’t believe current holders Brazil played rather, well how can I say…sluggish!!.  It seems this was also the case of France who played today, and just as poorly.  Let’s hope the Germany vs. Poland match will be a little more interesting.  Oh yeah, while I’m on the topic of sports, is it not time for Andre Agassi to consider retiring?  He has been knocked out of the first round at the Queens Club ATP championship here in London.  Considering Wimbledon is just around the corner, this is not a good omen! 

Oh yeah, and I posted some paintings I did with my mouth.  I’ll be the first to admit I’m no van Gogh, and I only took it up after I broke my neck as the occupational therapist though it would be something to keep my mind occupied as well as a bit of exercise.  I have decided to start mouth painting again, ok, truth is a friend of mine, who is also a quadriplegic, and an exceptional artist invited me to a public display of his artwork held at the Bloomberg Financial Centre, here in London, I figure with the same injury, if he can do it so can I!  Well, judging from a comparison of his work and mine, I need to do a lot more work! 

Today was perhaps one of the best days so far. Trust me, the term “best day so far” is not superfluous! The sun pretty much had been baking my apartment since sunrise and for those of us living in the UK, hot sunny days likes this is are an “exception, not the rule!”

The weather forecast the night before suggested this good weather “was a coming” and in my zeal for taking full advantage, I had agreed with my friends that we would have a guys day out catching up on the World Cup football action at our local pub, well “talk about raining on my parade!” Just as we were all ready, me safely strapped down and secured in the van, the alarm on my ventilator started beeping furiously!

When you are dependent on technology“to take you through the day”, you soon become used to the “occasional” failure or let down, and for me, it’s been a good 6 years since my injury and I like to think these things don’t particularly phase me. In the case of the ventilator, I have a back up one at home, so I figured it was no need to worry, and anyway what’s the chance that both would be broken? Like nil, right? Wrong!

After, un-strapping and un-buckling me, we went back inside with the intention of just a 5-10 minutes change over, well, talk about shit striking you twice in one day! The other ventilator did not even turn on. Well, it’s no understatement to say, I was pissed off!! I mean like my day has now well and truly been ruined! Now I was “up a certain creek, without a paddle!” My previous good day and attitude has now become a nightmare as I’m stuck in bed strapped to my night time vent! Yeah, you could say I’m pissed off!

OK, so it was my intention to post this entry “as-is!” but I have calmed down now, and in spite of all the drama, the day turned out just fine. After “stewing” in my own anger for about an hour, and at the instance of my friend’s we just watch the games here, I can say a beer or two might have helps calm down the situation. It’s seems like out of nowhere, we managed to strike up a party! Oh well, I guess it all sounds silly now!

Strange title for a blog, so I guess I should properly explicate and I sincerely hope I don’t loose any of my already small "number" (yes singular!) of readers. I should first thank Brett, because after reading his recent blog entry, all be it with a slightly different twist, I can come clean so to speak and admit that I do spend a lot of my time behind this computer, working on my interest – that which provides the “butter” for my bread -pays the bills, if you follow me!

Apologies in advance as I need to digress, but I promise to stay on point. I currently work as a post doc researcher in Medical Physics. My speciality is Medical Imaging, or, more succinctly, the application of computerized tomography (CT) / positron emission tomography (PET) in the early detection of breast cancer. I’m struggling this side of the PC to refrain from elaborating any further, so you can stop edging away from me, I know illuminating any further would only put you to sleep!

Digression aside, my thanks to Brett is because my sister tells me (and very often!) I should avoid giving too much detail of what my research and hobbies are, as it is one sure way to stay single! G-d, you got to love my sister, never one for “mincing words!" Anyway, in his last blog he has what appears to be rendered images of a 3D spiders web. This got me thinking of the latest rendering I have done on a NMR (Nuclear Magnetic Resonance) magnet, used for a document I am writing. You can rest safely and assured, I’m not going to get into the details of NMR or what it is, only to say we use it for analysis.

I have included the images of the magnet and the rendering, not to show off, but more as my accomplishments as there is not an artistic bone in my body. The more noteworthy point here is that as a quadriplegic with no use of my arms or hands, I am able to generate this all via speech software and using my mouth-stick. Technology is amazing! The amazing thing is that the was done with free software (POVRay - www.povray.org) and all generated using mathematics to describe the scene!

Here’s a latitude request here if you read this far. I was thinking as I wrote this blog entry, for those of us with disabilities, technology has been a blessing – oh and a cruse (with a small “c”!) Today, as part of a program I participate in that encourages students to consider a career in science, I spoke with some sixth form students (equivalent to US high school seniors), anyway, my presentation went well, and just as I was about to leave the stage, my chair decided to go on strike!

It turns out the failure was due to a fault with my “sip and puff” array (just a way for telling my chair to move essentially). In any event I was there for like 5 minutes, eventually relying on my attendant to come to my aide, when the though struck me, “If any of you go into science / engineering and make a wheelchair that does this I shall hunt you down, and put a curse on you! Haha! Anyway, problem has since been resolved!

Let me preface my entry by stating categorically, I’m not feeling cranky or anything like that, I’m more just a little aggravated.  With the “health warning” out of the way, I can go on to the more substantive subject of the day, namely curb cuts.

Curb what, you say! My point precisely! Silly me for thinking that here we are in 2006, the notion of having to explain to anyone the necessity of curb cuts would be a thing of pass, not just for sake of disability access, but parents with baby carriages, cyclist, and the elderly.

Perhaps it was because they did not have my vanilla cappuccino at Starbucks, but on the way to work this morning, I was face with what could only be describe as an obstacle course for hell!  Grant you, my driving skills with the chair are not exactly on par with the calibre of formula one drivers, and I could probably do with the occasional exercise, but the main side walk up to the building has been ripped up and temporary planks of wood and metal have been used to sort of fill in the gaps.

I decided to take a stand! – OK, yes it was from a seated position obviously, but I insisted on speaking to the building supervisor, and pointed out to him that there should be a more thoughtful consideration for pedestrians as this was dangerous for the public and simply maddening for someone in a wheelchair.  You see it would not be so bad if there were another sidewalk on the other side.  I must confess, I did sort of feel a bit bad as the guy was very well mannered, but I just had to make that point as this is the main route to work.

This afternoon when I went to lunch, I noted that they had put down plastic planks to cover up all the excavations and redone the temporary ramp!  I must say I am very pleased with this is a result!

Not wanted to challenge my success, I cant help but ponder, why there is no existing legislation or by-laws that strictly enforces public works in the interest of the public.  The thing is, it seems that anybody can come along and dig up the side walk/ pavement and have absolutely no compunction whatsoever as to any of the afore mentioned issues.   It is clear to me that such concerns seem to always be secondary and never primary, I strongly suggest this needs to change!