Nope, not new to dreaming, according to my mom, I seem to go through most of the day doing just that; but I digress. I’m referring to my dream last night and while it was not my first kind of this nature it all seemed so real.

Last night I dreamed that I was back to my old self so to speak. What was really weird about it was that at no time did I have any compunction of my current situation – A C3 Quadriplegic paralyzed from the neck down and dependent on a ventilator for my breathing! I suspect that most people with a spinal cord injury have had similar experiences, but this was perhaps my first that I can recollect with such vivid detail. Needless to say, it would be superfluous indeed to say that I was a disappointed man when I was awoken at 6:00am by my attendant telling me good morning while deftly following up with the question of “shall I start your stretching exercise now?” while the melodic sound of my ventilator began to fade into my conscious hearing.

It did not take me long to be sure it was just another dream, which was reinforced rather quickly as I found myself dangling from my hoyer lift as I was transferred from the bed to my wheelchair. I could hear a voice practically taunting in my head, saying over and over, “your back in the real world now mate!” If I’m being really truthful here I would have to confess I was not in the best of moods at this point and perhaps this is why I feel almost compelled to submit this experience to paper as some weird sort of therapy, gosh I have gone all “Oprah” here!

As I sit here now writing this entry, I’m wondering if I am truly at the stage of acceptance and awareness of my current situation? I mean the thing is; I don’t consider myself to be under any illusion and I would seriously like to think I’m fully cognisant of the situation and all it consequences that from here on in, I just another quadriplegic who must come to terms with the fact that life will no longer be what it used to be. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean that in a bad way but for clarity – All that stuff I used to enjoy such as snowboarding, mountain biking or more succinctly, activities such as breathing, eating on my own or the simply task of getting out of bed and “wiping the sleep out of my eyes” are task I now depend on other to perform for me.

I wonder, bear with me I’m typing this “in the raw” – as I’m thinking it, I writing it, trouble is my thinking capacity is slightly quicker that than this speech software can cope with. I used to go to a support group, and one of the things I quite never understood, was this girl who was a paraplegic and apart from being very attractive, she often gave me the impression that she was quite happy and accepting of her accident and that in fact, she thinks it has made her a better person! Hmmmm…… ??? I’m sorry on this one, perhaps this too will come, but I am nowhere in the vicinity, of reaching that juncture! I would like to know the secret to that one, and I know she was not alone as I often read and see on television people with spinal cord injuries whom claim similar experiences. I’m just curious as to what was their life prior to injury? I am wrong here, or just don’t get it?

Gosh, who would have though something as trivial as a dream could evoke such though! Well I guess it’s all part of life’s experience in a wired way, but hey that just my experience! Tell me what you think?

I was thinking about a recent incident that happened and while it was not the first time such an occasion had presented itself, it did get me wondering on the more substantive point of what leads up to such a situation. I suppose it would be of use if I actually got to the point and described what this current pre occupation is, so without further ado, here’s the situation.

While having a tea break (yup, we still have them in Britain!) last week with some of my work colleagues, one of them asked me how exactly do I mange to cope with my particular circumstances regarding my spinal cord injury. Before getting a chance to actually respond on this, he then went on to suggest that he did not think he would be able to cope had he been in a similar circumstance.

I find myself often struck by such sentiment. The thing is, and I think I should preface my comments by saying that I can’t and don’t attempt to speak for all other people with spinal cord injuries, but I suspect after the initial incident, the choice laid out before you is very clear. Accept the situation and move on, or give up. For me at least it was that simple; however that is not to say that one has a transition of smooth sailing going forward. As with life in general, there is no such thing as an easy ride. A good friend of mine who has a similar injury as mine has a little plaque on the back his wheelchair that reads – “shit happens!” This pretty much sums up my feeling on this thing.

Getting back to the subject at hand, I explained to my colleague, that I suspected had he been faced with the same situation as myself, he would probably do the same thing. I must confess I’m personally uncomfortable with the “hero” or “inspiration” stuff, and don’t like to be trust into such a situation.

Often times I find myself pondering the notion of would things have been that much more different had I not had my accident, and to be honest, I’m not entirely sure. I’m not one of these people that will tell you that their life has changed for the better, or that they think they are better people as a result of the injury; quite frankly speaking I just don’t buy that, and on that very narrow point I know people whom will happily tell you as much.

As my sister has told me on several occasions, I was always a nerd, so my success education wise, was nothing new. Personally I don’t think I’m a nerd either just to be clear! I do however get the point and would concur that in essence, I’m probably where I am irrespective of my injury and not as a result of it. For me solace can be found in the fact that technology and family support provides a great atmosphere for making my life just fine thanks. Well that’s me rambling!

Well, it’s been a pretty good day here, weather is cooperating fine, although today was perhaps not the best, but hey, it did not rain once!  Gosh, I must really be living here in London to long as I am becoming a proper “Brit”- always talking about the weather, but I digress. 

Anyway, this afternoon I decided to catch a bit of the World cup with some friends at a local pub not far from me to watch the US vs. Italy game, although I’m an American, this time around I have decided to support team Britain, anyway, we found a nice little pub, well it was more a bar, oh details, details, details.  After finding a nice quite corner were for once I was not going to be an obstruction to the bar staff, we started preparations for a pretty good meal.  I should explain about the meal thing, as it’s a big achievement for me. 

Since breaking my neck some 6 years ago, I’m pretty reliant on my attendant to “act as my arms” so to speak, and I have since then never been quite keen on eating in public, as I really have not got used to the stares when people see a grown man like myself being fed.  Anyway, this marks my 3rd time out in public eating, and I have to say, for once I really did not give a shit about the stares, this place has the best burgers this side of the Atlantic, and I was not going to pass this opportunity up!

While tucking in to my massive burger, this little kid, about 12 or so came up to me and asked,  “Did you used to be superman?”  Talk about feeling flabbergasted!  I mean I have had similar situations like this before, but this one was funny, I mean me – superman! Her mother was far more embarrassed then me, and ushered her back to their table, I remarked to her mom (well, I’m guessing it was her mom) “its no problem!”  After all I figure it’s much better explaining to the kid, than leaving her guessing.  So I tried to explain that nope, I was not super man, but I did have a similar injury, anyway,  I think she did not believe me that I had no feeling and insisted on going for a pinch, and when she did, I let out a loud scream!  She jumped and started to cry, which I assured you was not my intent, I was just trying to be funny!

Anyway, it took a little while until she was calmed down, and she just cam back with like a million questions.  Gosh kids can be so inquisitive!  I had to explain how my wheelchair works and my ventilator, well, I think she is going to be a neurosurgeon now after all those questions.  In any event the whole experience left me with a nice little grin on my face all afternoon, and the US Italy game was a drawn- 1 all!  Go US (with a little help from Italy in an “own” goal!)

Today was perhaps one of the best days so far. Trust me, the term “best day so far” is not superfluous! The sun pretty much had been baking my apartment since sunrise and for those of us living in the UK, hot sunny days likes this is are an “exception, not the rule!”

The weather forecast the night before suggested this good weather “was a coming” and in my zeal for taking full advantage, I had agreed with my friends that we would have a guys day out catching up on the World Cup football action at our local pub, well “talk about raining on my parade!” Just as we were all ready, me safely strapped down and secured in the van, the alarm on my ventilator started beeping furiously!

When you are dependent on technology“to take you through the day”, you soon become used to the “occasional” failure or let down, and for me, it’s been a good 6 years since my injury and I like to think these things don’t particularly phase me. In the case of the ventilator, I have a back up one at home, so I figured it was no need to worry, and anyway what’s the chance that both would be broken? Like nil, right? Wrong!

After, un-strapping and un-buckling me, we went back inside with the intention of just a 5-10 minutes change over, well, talk about shit striking you twice in one day! The other ventilator did not even turn on. Well, it’s no understatement to say, I was pissed off!! I mean like my day has now well and truly been ruined! Now I was “up a certain creek, without a paddle!” My previous good day and attitude has now become a nightmare as I’m stuck in bed strapped to my night time vent! Yeah, you could say I’m pissed off!

OK, so it was my intention to post this entry “as-is!” but I have calmed down now, and in spite of all the drama, the day turned out just fine. After “stewing” in my own anger for about an hour, and at the instance of my friend’s we just watch the games here, I can say a beer or two might have helps calm down the situation. It’s seems like out of nowhere, we managed to strike up a party! Oh well, I guess it all sounds silly now!

Let me preface my entry by stating categorically, I’m not feeling cranky or anything like that, I’m more just a little aggravated.  With the “health warning” out of the way, I can go on to the more substantive subject of the day, namely curb cuts.

Curb what, you say! My point precisely! Silly me for thinking that here we are in 2006, the notion of having to explain to anyone the necessity of curb cuts would be a thing of pass, not just for sake of disability access, but parents with baby carriages, cyclist, and the elderly.

Perhaps it was because they did not have my vanilla cappuccino at Starbucks, but on the way to work this morning, I was face with what could only be describe as an obstacle course for hell!  Grant you, my driving skills with the chair are not exactly on par with the calibre of formula one drivers, and I could probably do with the occasional exercise, but the main side walk up to the building has been ripped up and temporary planks of wood and metal have been used to sort of fill in the gaps.

I decided to take a stand! – OK, yes it was from a seated position obviously, but I insisted on speaking to the building supervisor, and pointed out to him that there should be a more thoughtful consideration for pedestrians as this was dangerous for the public and simply maddening for someone in a wheelchair.  You see it would not be so bad if there were another sidewalk on the other side.  I must confess, I did sort of feel a bit bad as the guy was very well mannered, but I just had to make that point as this is the main route to work.

This afternoon when I went to lunch, I noted that they had put down plastic planks to cover up all the excavations and redone the temporary ramp!  I must say I am very pleased with this is a result!

Not wanted to challenge my success, I cant help but ponder, why there is no existing legislation or by-laws that strictly enforces public works in the interest of the public.  The thing is, it seems that anybody can come along and dig up the side walk/ pavement and have absolutely no compunction whatsoever as to any of the afore mentioned issues.   It is clear to me that such concerns seem to always be secondary and never primary, I strongly suggest this needs to change!